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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in abyss22's LiveJournal:

Monday, August 21st, 2006
6:38 am
I woke from a Nightmare
A woman I had loved
was now far off,
married;
had a beautiful child.

I was now long forgotten
where I lived alone.

Something in me stirred, and I awoke,
only to be awake and find that the nightmare was true...
Sunday, July 16th, 2006
10:32 pm
Becoming refined
...

Quiet, except the sound of my own breathing that I would never hear otherwise.

There is so much I need.
And so much I don't.

There are layers of distraction, unhealthy, and still.

I'm going to burn it off. All of it.
I will feel the pain. Everywhere.

It won't mean something.
It won't have a thousand words attached to it in poetic disaster.

It will be still, and silent.

Unyielding.

...I will be measured by this.
Saturday, October 9th, 2004
8:23 pm
- - - - - - -
My heart is lost to a shadow.

She lies...
and thinks I don't see it.
She doesn't see
that I know what I do.
She has become so cruel,
and resentful.
...and she pushes.
...and she pushes.
...and she pushes all away.

A backlash from a murmur.
An explosion from a spark.

Just be careful.
Don't smile.
Don't blink.
Don't pretend to care.
Dont pretend not to.

Don't try for resolve.
Don't try to understand.
and eveything will be fine.

Don't make her hide her lies
more than she already does.

You bastard.
You asshole.
You uncaring prick.

She'll mouth it, if she has to. If others are around.
To be sure that you know it. To be sure that you're aware.

You bastard. You made me do it.
You make me lie. You make me do it.
It's your fault.
You asshole.
It's your fault.
Thursday, April 24th, 2003
4:32 am
There is no time for you to stop and breathe.
Everything has become consuming.
Even the place you used to hide now requires a fee for admittance.
Keep running.
There must be somewhere.

No time for regret. No time for shame.
Everything is yours to set on fire.
Eveything is yours to destroy.

Don't stop to breathe.

Just run through it all... as hard as you can...
blind...
and know...
its going to hurt you.
Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
11:16 pm
I will never know the comforts in a wife.
The love of a child.
The need of a family.
I will walk through this world as a GHOST.
I have no family name to carry.
I will have none when I am gone.
My blood begins and ends
and leaves no trace
I was ever here.
Monday, September 2nd, 2002
4:03 am
I can hear my roomates again.
I always do.
I planned on writing something in here that pertained to me, but the screams and wails of drunk passion and the unrythmic knockings anchored my mind from wandering anywhere.
Her moans raise and strengthen. It's the same everytime.
It goes on...

I wonder what thoughts go through a womans mind during sex.
The way so many of them speculate, examine, dissect everything.
If they saw thier man with another woman I imagine they would snapshot that image in thier brain, and take it apart later after the smoke had settled.

Is that what I look like underneath him?
Does he touch me like that?
My nails used to be that long.
Her toes are uglier than mine.
Does he like redheads better?

And now they half naked run to the bathroom. I can hear that too.
They are so ungracefull, like they crash into eachother trying to get there.
The door slams. Nobody else lives here after sex.
...And the shower.
They are clockwork.
Predictable.

Two more towels I'll end up washing tomorrow.

...And I still know nothing about women.

Im at the end of my tangent...
I'll write more after I'm done talking with doves.
Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
4:11 am
Tonight hasn't been my night.
Tonight has been askew in the same way you feel after you walk out of a bad movie, or after you buy a new CD and there's not one good song on it.
Theres no reason to believe things aren't as they should be... but I'm still left thirsty and unsatisfied.

I want to apologize for someone else's beauty.

I want to sleep somewhere else tonight.

I want a reason to wake up tomorrow.

I want to fight a war for you.

I want you to know how ugly I am.

I want to tear the skin off to make sure I look like you underneath.

I want to learn from you.

I want women I won't sleep with to stop telling me I'm gay.

I want to remember why I started writing.

I want to say this in a microphone in front of thousands.
I want them to 'boo' me off the stage.
I want to set the mic on fire before I walk away...
Monday, May 27th, 2002
8:33 am
I'm so ghetto...
I just defrosted hot dog buns in the dryer.
4:21 am
I have been having trouble sleeping lately.

If I could draw in here there would be 'phonebook scribbles' all down the side of this.

I just got through watching one of those cheesy romance-comedies. The kind you never rent with friends, but you end up renting on your own, like it's some secret. You watch two people fall in love...
Maybe that will happen for you someday.
You box up the movie and return it without a second thought.

It was a stupid movie anyway.
Sunday, May 26th, 2002
8:11 am
Lets see how far we can go
There was a small group of people sitting behind me earlier tonight at a coffee shop here in Seattle.
They discolored my view of everything - - - I forgot myself for a while.
They were enthusiastically sharing stories of peeing on eachother or puking on eachother and other people. Two solid hours of exploitation. No detail left out.
Is this what we have reduced ourselves to?
* * * Sensation whores * * *
Puke running down your chest while urinating in someones mouth...
(Lets see how far we can go... )
Every orafice, every extremity, every bodily fluid imaginable...
No sentence comes without the purchase of a four letter word and a memory bathed in blood and cum.
(This is all I know how to live for - this makes me somebody)
It goes on and on.
Self proclaimed sex experts drive low-budget knowledge into eachothers heads - knowing they'll all end up at home, alone, masturbating later.

...And the whole time I'm wondering if this is what happens to you when you've becomed consumed by the world around you ...when pain and pleasure are the only forms of communication you can understand anymore ...when you can't remember how to try and only know how to push. Push. Push.
- - - returning to some animalistic nature perverted through time - - -
Reality TV shows.
Girls gone wild.
Shock porn.
Snuff films.
+ + + LIVE FOREVER! - - CLICK HERE! + + +
Maybe we have left ourselves disconnected from too much technology. Cell phones, video games, on-line college courses, pay per view movies, webcams and chat rooms, digital video cameras, pagers, MP3 players, 300 channels of infomercials on a widescreen HD TV.
This doesn't mean much to someone who's still stuck using a rotary phone...

I wondered if they were as cold as they claimed. If they were as expired as they wanted eachother to believe.
(I am cooler than this. I want to be anything but myself. I want to burn hot and leave nothing to be desired. I want to live faster, harder... but without leaving the saftey of my own home)
I wondered if they were looking for more than what they had, or pretending what they had was more than it was.
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